Maggie May
by Martin III
Summary: [Shining Wisdom] During a quick rest stop at an Odegan village, Kazin rethinks his relationship with Sarah and comes to an unpleasant conclusion.  Rated M for sexual content.


Author's Notes:

PLEASE TAKE NOTE: In writing this story, I followed the script that appears in the European and Japanese releases of Shining Wisdom(the European version seems to be a direct translation of the original Japanese). The Working Designs translation(used in the USA release), besides using different names for many characters, made some major alterations in the characters and how they relate to each other. Naturally, I chose to follow the script that is genuine canon and appears in two out of three editions of the game. Please read the script I used before arguing that the characters are out of character! Thanks.

I guess I don't need to say this every time, since I probably won't ever write an alternate universe fic, but: this story is NOT alternate universe. As always, both praise and constructive criticism are appreciated, so post those reviews.

Technical Notes: The milieu and characters of this fanfic are property of Sega. This story is set several weeks after Shining Wisdom.

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Maggie May

plot and script - Martin III

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"It's only a rumor," Kazin reported to Sarah. "But the talk I've been hearing in the village suggests that one of Pazort's former henchmen has been making a bit o' trouble in this region."

Sarah shook her head. "Impossible. Mars told us that he slew all of Pazort's known henchmen at the Djinn labyrinths."

"All of his _contemporary_ henchmen," Kazin corrected. "But suppose that back when Zeon was re-sealed, one o' them decided it would be more advantageous to take command of the remnants of the devil army than to follow Pazort in his mad scheme? We know that Pazort was in communication with Zeon. Valuable information about the organization of the devil army may have been available to his subordinates."

"That's a troubling thought," Sarah remarked, getting up from the dead log she'd been sitting upon and rising to her full magnificent height. Observing the way her long aqua hair rode along her shoulders, the way she pushed it back with casual grace, Kazin could not prevent the familiar stirring in his heart. Even after all these months of having the futility of his love brought home, the simplest of gestures could make him feel young and blissfully naive again.

"We'll need Gerhault and Higins if we're going to deal with this," Sarah continued. "And May and Rick, if we can find them."

Kazin shook his head. "There's no time for that. If this devil general, whoever he is, is already attracting notice, he might have a whole nation in 'is hands by the time we get help." He hefted his staff in both hands. "Besides, I can handle it."

"Riiiiight. Like you handled Karry. Like you handled Pazort and the Giant."

"Sarah..."

"Oh, don't give me that look. You knew I was just teasing."

But she wasn't. Sarah had no respect for his ability, and never had. _Naturally. I'm not a bloody hero like Mars or... Bowie. Never mind that he never would have overcome Zeon without my help._

Oh, Kazin didn't begrudge Bowie his place of glory, anymore than he had begrudged Mars's. It was Bowie who had kept the Jewel of Evil from Zeon, Bowie who had led them to victory against impossible odds. But surely Kazin's acts of valor in the war deserved _some_ credit. Was it too much to ask that she not treat him like just another second-rate mage?

"You're also forgetting that it's just a rumor," Kazin said, getting back to the subject. "May and Rick would have to be a fair sight bored to venture after such a long shot."

"That's a fair point." She took up her staff. "I suppose there's little danger in investigating the situation first. Then we'll be able to tell whether or not we need help, and whether or not we have time to get it. I assume you have horses ready for us?"

"Ah, not yet..."

"Then what in Volcanon's name are you doing back here?" Sarah demanded, brows arched with half-bewildered disapproval. "What've you been gone all those hours for then? Were you questioning the villagers in between drinking contests!?"

"Of course not..."

"What were you thinking, anyway? That we were going to walk to our destination?"

"We've been walking," Kazin pointed out.

"Because we had to! Didn't the thought occur -"

"Look, you want me to get them horses or not?"

"Yes! Get going! I don't know why you're just standing here making excuses!" She flung her arms in the air in exasperation and plopped back down on the dead log. Resting her weary head in her hand, she murmured, "Gods have mercy..."

Kazin turned and headed back to the village, not wasting another word. _Dammit, I understand how weary she is; we've been traveling hard for a week now on foot, and it must have been boring waiting for me for hours. But does she have to take it all out on me?_

He sniffed in self-derision. Who did he thinking he was fooling? This was more or less what he'd signed up for when he ran out after the heartbroken maiden all those months ago: being her handkerchief. She was hurt and in pain, so he offered to be her comfort and her place to vent her feelings. If he couldn't soothe the aches in her heart, he would soak up her tears with his cloak. If he couldn't eliminate her aggravations, he would be her whipping boy. He didn't mind any of that, in and of itself.

_But I thought at some point I'd be getting something in return. I thought she'd realize how I feel about her, and come to feel the same way about me. Sure didn't think she'd keep carrying the torch for Bowie after all this time. What chance do I have with her against a man who isn't even here to fall short of her idealistic image of him? Not that he fell short of it even when he was here._

Kazin took a break from his thoughts to take note of his surroundings. He'd reached the market. It wasn't the place to get a horse, but something else caught his eye.

"Fresh fruit! Frrreeeeeeesh fruit!"

"Oh, be quiet," Kazin said coldly to the vendor as he stepped up to the fruit stand. Among the rich variety of fruits on display were cleerums, which were found in Parmecia only in scattered pockets, and in Grans not at all. Sarah had a special fondness for them. He picked one up and examined it.

"Three gold coins apiece."

_Damned expensive. But..._ "Four, please."

He handed over the twelve gold coins and placed the cleerums in the pouch of his cloak. His step lightened as he went on his way. He was running low on spare change, but Sarah would love these.

Picturing the look on her face when he'd give them to her, Kazin beamed. They could lean back against a tree and forget their troubles for a bit as they shared the cleerums. He'd take just one, and give her the other three. They could talk of foolish things like the sunlight breaking through the leaves, and in a space of peaceful quiet their hands might meet, and their fingers clasp together...

Kazin came to an abrupt halt.

_Bloody lovesick fool!_

He threw the cleerums onto the ground and proceeded to stomp them into pulp. _I know how she'd react if I brought her these! She'd berate me for wasting time!_ The red of anger in his face only brightened as the fruit squished beneath his sandals. _I'm nothing to her, nothing! And some bloody three-gold-apiece fruit won't do a thing to change that._ He smashed the last of the cleerums and walked on, unbothered by the bewildered stares of passers-by.

The only man who could match Sarah's desires was a hero. He remembered the way her voice changed when she believed him responsible for Pazort's defeat. It wasn't just more respectful; it was adoring. The temptation to steal the honors of a dead man, like the most vile of grave robbers, had been stronger than Kazin cared to admit to anyone but himself. Because he knew that with such glory to his credit, in time Sarah would come to love him; without it, she never would. The fact that her love would have been won by a lie scarcely bothered him at all.

Kazin allowed himself a brief grin. Naturally it had bothered Sarah a great deal. She said nothing before the king, but once they were alone again she had laid into him full force, occasionally adding physical dimension to her tirade by cracking her staff against his head.

Actually, he was surprised that she'd held it in the whole time they were in the throne room. Sarah wasn't the sort to restrain or bottle up her emotions. It was one of the things he loved about her.

Kazin put aside his pleasant reminiscing; he'd found the place he was looking for. His knock was immediately answered by a young human girl. "Yes?"

"I wish to speak with the master of the house."

The girl led him into the foyer, where she produced her master within a few moments.

"Ah... may I help you?" the lord of the house offered, clearly bewildered as to why a stranger had come to his home.

"I require the use of a pair of horses. You'll be equitably paid, of course."

The man started. "You come here with no proper introduction and make demands of me? My horses are not for sale."

"Beg your pardon, but they are. I am Sir Kazin of Grans," he said, pulling a document forth from his cloak, "...and by order of His Royal Highness, the King of Odegan, myself and the Lady Sarah are not to be refused any of our traveling needs."

The lord uttered a mild curse, then sighed, "Well then, I suppose I should show you to my stables."

"My apologies for the trouble," Kazin said as they left the house. "For my abruptness, as well. But Sarah doesn't like it when I take too long."

"Hum. Pardon my ignorance, but I have not heard of either of you before; how are you and the Lady Sarah related?"

"I'm her bloody dishcloth."

"What?"

"We're traveling companions." A silence opened up, and to fill it Kazin said, "Tell me something. That servant girl o' yours - how much is she paid?"

"Nothing. I inherited her from her parents; they failed to repay several debts to me in their lifetimes."

Kazin raised his eyebrows. "Now that's interesting. They don't do that sort of thing on Grans. D'you mean to tell me you _own_ her?"

"Precisely."

"And... pardon my asking... you don't find anything wrong with that?"

"I'm not sure I understand you."

"Well, she's committed no crime, 'as she? Isn't she entitled to her freedom?"

"Ah, you're concerned for the girl. ...No, she seems quite happy here. She has food, clothing, shelter, all the important things she wouldn't have if she were out on her own."

"What about the privilege to go wherever and do whatever she pleases?"

The lord shrugged. "I do plan to release her from her obligation when she reaches the age of 17. But I sincerely doubt she will leave here. She is already completely devoted to me, you see. I am her father, her provider; she would not turn away from that even if I treated her badly." He turned his face to Kazin. "It isn't just because I own her that she does her duties. It is because doing them is the only thing that gives her life purpose. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Kazin gave a slight shiver. "I think I understand her position all too well. You're right. It's not the master's fault if someone chooses to be his slave."

They reached the stables. Stepping inside, Kazin found four tall, black-haired horses. He frowned. "Is this all you have?"

The lord stiffened. "The blackgale is a noble breed. If you think they're not good enough for you -"

Kazin held up a hand, cutting him off. "That's not my objection." _The blackgale is a fierce and unpredictable breed. Few things frighten Sarah more than a reckless horse._ "I repeat, is this all you 'ave?"

"It is."

There wasn't time to go hunting around for another pair of horses. "Alright. You can pick out the two you'd prefer me to take."

While the lord selected his two least favorite horses, Kazin counted out a heap of gold coins. He handed them to the lord in payment.

"Thank you. If you don't mind, I'll put them saddles on myself. Sarah's a bit particular."

Once he had saddled up the horses, he bid the lord a polite farewell and led them away.

As he made his way back to where Sarah was waiting, Kazin realized how much consternation he felt at the thought of confronting her again. It wasn't that Sarah was completely unreasonable; it had been unfair of him to think she'd berate him for bringing the cleerums. _Shouldn't have smashed them. Me and my temper. Bloody waste of 12 gold. I know how she'd really react if I gave her those: "Thank you, Kazin -" munch, munch "- now, shall we be on our way?"_

_Only natural for her to take me for granted. I've been giving her all I have for over a year._

No, Sarah was not completely unreasonable. She was demanding, though. Her love would have more than made up for all the physical and emotional toil he went through to satisfy those demands, but her love would never be his. Unless you counted the...

Kazin laughed bitterly at that train of thought. He remembered how it had started: the sound of Sarah's soft weeping waking him from sleep.

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He got up, still dressed in his robes, and found his way to her in the dim light. They were familiar enough with each other by then that he could put his arms around her without frightening her. "Sarah... what is it?"

"Oh, Kazin, I'm sorry," she sobbed, clutching at his wrist. "I just feel so lonely..."

"But I'm right here."

"It's just a feeling." She paused to wipe her tears on the shoulder of his robes. "I've been thinking about Bowie, wishing he was with me. I don't mean just here... I mean laying beside me. As my husband."

Putting a gag on his own emotions, Kazin said, "Sarah, this isn't going to get any easier on you until you accept that he can't be yours. You have to let go."

"I know, I know. But it's so hard. I knew Bowie when he was young; I understand how he became a hero. I knew him better than any other woman... I thought that meant we were made to be together." She sniffed, and pulled herself more tightly to Kazin.

"I understand." He rubbed her back soothingly. "You think you've lost your true love. But you haven't. You haven't even 'found' him yet. That understanding you had with Bowie isn't the same as a real connection. You're a beautiful woman, Sarah, inside and out; you'll find that connection with someone. You'll find a true love." He kissed her brow. "Just untie yourself from Bowie... then you can live your life."

He was startled when she responded to his physical affection by placing a stream of light kisses between his ear and sideburns that set his heart aflame. Before he could react, her hand reached inside his robes and caressed his chest. Rational thought became an unwelcome impediment to the blissful and excited feelings washing through him. She pulled her head back for a moment, looking to his face for permission. Knowing that his astonished delight and eagerness must already be showing there, he focused on divesting himself of his clothing. Between the two of them, in a manner of seconds he knelt naked before her, like a human sacrifice prostrating himself in offering.

Sarah wore only light bedclothes. Once these were removed he made love to her with a passion nearly as intense as the burning in his heart, his mind crying out, _At last, at last_. He spoke "I love you, Sarah," with all the long-postponed feeling he had for her, his body freed to show the love he'd carried inside for so long. Her pleasured moans filled the night air, sounding to him like the song of the attendants of paradise.

When they joined, the force of the sensation seemed to explode the whole world, and he was aware only of their united flesh surrounded by a blank, peaceful void. He cried out once more that he loved her. Her only response was a scream of unsurpassed pleasure.

When he awoke the next morning, she was already up and dressed. He watched her straightening out her long lovely hair for a moment, then said softly, "Sarah..."

"Ready for breakfast?"

Something was wrong. After what they'd done together, he should have felt comfortable and relaxed around her. They should have been exchanging covert smiles, laughing at the slightest of jokes. But something about her manner made him feel shy and nervous instead. They breakfasted in near silence; not feeling at all awkward, but keeping to themselves.

As they continued on their way, he at last broke the ice. "Sarah... you remember what we did last night, don't you?"

"Of course." She turned and smiled at him. "Thank you. I'd been feeling so down and lonely lately, I just... I needed that. I can't tell you how good that was for me. You were wonderful."

He didn't know if it was her words, or the way she said them, or perhaps the haze of arousal fading away, but the realization hit him like a hammer blow that the previous night meant nothing at all. He'd simply moved on from verbal reassurances to physical reassurances. It all came down to him filling her needs out of the kindness of his heart. Even his confession that he loved her was meaningless; to her it would be nothing more than words cried out in the heat of passion.

He felt sick. _Never again,_ he swore. _No matter how much I love her, I won't be her bloody sex supply._

Three months later, he again yielded to her desires and made love to her.

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Five times now they'd done it. He could remember each incident vividly, details etched in his memory that he was certain had long since faded from hers. He'd even begun making excuses for this disgusting behavior. He told himself if he didn't do it she'd find someone else, someone who wouldn't be as loving and gentle. _Ridiculous. Sarah would never stoop to that. The fact that she's even doing it with me is partly my fault. I started the affectionate gestures; she just took it to the next level._ He'd even reasoned that if a child were to result from their reunion, she might come to love him through their baby. _Lovely. Just the sort of reasoning that an utter cad uses._

_The simple fact of that matter is that I've tied myself to her ball and chain. And I might as well admit it: I can't resist the prospect of making love to her. Even though I always wake the morning after feeling empty inside._

It wasn't just the love-making; any joy that he got from being with Sarah always turned to ashes. He gave her everything she wanted, and still did not have her love. Kazin took no pleasure in that exchange.

_Damn Zeon!_ he raged suddenly, kicking at a stone in his path. _If it weren't for his attempt to break through to our world, Sir Hawel would still be alive, Granseal would not have been destroyed, and I'd have never met Sarah. I wouldn't be reduced to this wretched servitude. My old master would weep with shame if he could see me now._

The horses apparently sensed his agitation, because the one on his left started to bolt. Cursing, Kazin reached out to grab his reins, and the other one promptly took off in the opposite direction.

Going after one would cause him to lose the other. But there was a better way. As he held tight to the reins of the first horse, stroking his head to soothe him, Kazin calmly recited an incantation. As soon as he finished, the space before him shimmered, and the demigod Apollo appeared.

"Catch that horse," Kazin ordered.

As always, the one he had summoned readily flew off to obey his command. _Wonder what makes them so obedient. Do they enjoy flaunting their power in a world that must seem made of sand to them? Have to look into the matter when I get a chance. Sorcery is such a new and unexplored field._

Apollo returned an instant later, carrying the horse. He set it down before Kazin.

"Thank you," Kazin said, just before the mystical energies which had brought Apollo to this realm wore off, and the demigod vanished.

As Kazin continued on his way, it didn't take long before his thoughts returned to their previous course.

_Damn it all. What am I doing this for, then? Sarah will never return my feelings. I... I should just part ways with her._

As shocking as the idea was, it stuck with him. Why wait? Once he returned to Sarah, he could just send her back to Granseal. He hadn't said so to her, but he was almost certain that the talk about Pazort's henchman was just a rumor. The stories he'd heard were inconsistent, and most were wild and far-fetched. Even if it was true, he could probably handle it himself; Sarah's help would be most useful, but not truly necessary. And she'd have no trouble getting back to Granseal on her own.

Plans swiftly formed in his head. Once he was done investigating that rumor, he could return to this town, find work... perhaps guiding inexperienced travelers. There was plenty of work for a man of his talents. Once he'd earned enough money, he could return to that lord's house and pay off the remainder of his servant's debt. He'd take the girl back with him to Grans; they could live in a remote village there. He would teach her all she wanted to know, and she would be like a daughter to him. He could at last resume his studies of magic, and take on an apprentice - the girl, if she liked - to whom he could pass on all he knew and all of Sir Hawel's wise teachings.

His heart immediately resisted the thought of leaving Sarah, but he knew it was the only way to break out of this slump he was in, to stop wasting his life. So long as Sarah was around, that life belonged to her.

----------------------

"Hello," Sarah said when he returned, peering up at him. She lay back languidly on the ground, hair streaming into and intertwining with the grass, curved limbs lazily shifting beneath the skirt of her robe, and Kazin temporarily froze at the fresh sight of her beauty. "That didn't take long."

"I know how you hate waiting. Listen, Sarah -"

"Don't fret; I'm ready." She jumped to her feet.

"I was thinking -"

"Wait a minute," Sarah frowned. "What's this?"

Kazin looked back over his shoulder, still holding both sets of reins. "You're speakin' of the horses?"

"Yes. They look like they've been possessed by Gizmos."

One of the horses gave a stomp of his hoof, making Sarah jump. Kazin smiled weakly. "I'm sure it's just your im-"

"I don't like the way that one is looking at me."

In response, the horse reared up on its hind legs. Sarah let out a cry and stumbled backwards, going a good seven feet before she tripped and fell on her behind.

Kazin sighed in defeat. "Alright, this breed is known to be a bit restless. But they're perfectly safe."

Sarah was panting from her excitement, which was gradually being replaced by anger. "Did you mean this as a joke? I can't ride one of those!"

"Sure you can. You're a brave girl. So long as you're calm, they won't hurt you."

She must have misinterpreted his smile of encouragement, because the next thing he knew she was giving him a good hard whack with her staff. "How could you even _think_ of putting me through that!?"

"I had no choice," Kazin said defensively. "They were all the man had. If I'd looked elsewhere, you'd 'ave been kept waiting."

"And you really thought I'd rather ride one of those than be kept waiting? Where is your head?"

He fidgeted. "Well, what's done is done..."

"No." Sarah shook her head firmly. "Get back there now and find a decent horse."

"Don't be ridiculous. We haven't the money."

"So you sell back one of the horses you bought! Do I have to explain everything to you? Gods, you're useless!" She turned away from him, her face still burning with ire.

A silence fell as Kazin debated what he should do. Breaking company with Sarah would be even harder with her in a mood like this. Besides, he was hoping they could part on good terms. Having come to his resolution to be free, however, he was reluctant to begin with another errand for her.

It was Sarah who broke the silence. "I'm sorry, Kazin," she said, her voice cracking. "You've been very good to me, and... I've just been yelling at you for no good reason. It was my choice to stay here and rest instead of going with you; I can't complain about the decisions you made without me. I'm sorry." Kazin didn't know what to say to that, so he let her continue. "It's just... I felt so tired after all that walking, I just wanted to rest here for an hour or two."

"I understand."

"And this henchman of Pazort's turning up," she went on, ignoring his words. "I'd been looking forward to getting back to Grans, to see Bowie again..." _Bowie again. Always Bowie._

"...so I could..." She shook her head. "I'm getting ahead of myself. See, lately I've been feeling like I've finally allowed myself to let go of Bowie, that I can imagine myself... being with someone else. I wanted to see him once more, to look at him as a friend again, instead of a lover. To tell myself that I've really moved on."

Kazin swallowed. _Steady, man. It means nothing. Bowie isn't the problem; he never was. It's the sort of man Sarah wants: a hero. Twice you had a chance to reach that distinction, and both times you botched it. You aren't the man Sarah wants, and you never will be._

"I'd been looking forward to that so much," Sarah continued. "It's just so frustrating... to have to face another crisis again so soon. I guess that's why I've been in such a bad mood today." She turned to face Kazin, and her eyes looked hopeful. "I'm sorry that I took it out on you."

Kazin shrugged. "It's alright." _It's always alright, because I love you. But that's not an issue anymore, because from now on I'm going to stick with people who don't give me this sort of grief in the first place._ "I'll go fetch that other horse now."

"No, don't trouble yourself." She took a deep breath. "If you say they're safe... that's good enough. I'd rather we just got on our way."

"Yes... 'we'." He scratched the back of his head. "See, about that..."

"Would you mind helping me mount, though? I've never been very good at that, even on normal horses..."

"Certainly." He stooped beside one of the horses and offered her his intertwined hands for a boost. As soon as she got her belly over the horse's backside, he put a hand on Sarah's back to keep her from losing her balance, keeping the horse steady with his other hand.

Steadying herself into the proper riding position, Sarah managed to throw a smile down to Kazin. "What would I do without you?"

_She's on one of her upswings,_ Kazin noted as he mounted his own horse. _After a day or two she'll be right back to taking me for granted. Or she WOULD be, if I were staying with her._

He cleared his throat. "Listen, Sarah, I've been thinking..."

"Uh oh," Sarah said with a grimace. "Sounds like you've been thinking of unpleasant things. As if the atmosphere wasn't bad enough."

"Yes, well..." He stopped. "What do you mean; what's wrong?"

"Oh... just the usual," she sighed. "Feeling lonely. Just because I've let go of Bowie doesn't change the fact that I still don't have a man. I haven't seen most of my friends in ages, either... the ones that didn't die in the war with Zeon, I mean." She wiped away a tear. "Life is lonely, when you think about it. Oh… well." She smiled weakly at him. "At least I always have you to keep me company."

Kazin nodded slowly. "Yes... I suppose you do." For a long moment he was silent in thought. Then he gently prodded his horse to begin walking. "Let's get moving. It'd be a bit o' nuisance if we don't make the next village by sunset."

----------------------

The lord was called away that afternoon on an emergency; a friend of his had been possessed by some sort of evil spirit. He did not return to his home until late, feeling utterly exhausted. Noticing how dark the house was, he sadly concluded that he would not be getting any dinner this night.

Most of the house was dark, but a candle was waiting for him just inside the door. He wearily made his way to his bedroom. He peeked into his servant girl's room along the way, but of course she was asleep, and probably had been for hours.

Entering his bedroom, he saw a plate of food laid out for him on the nightstand. He smiled. "Good girl." Setting down the candle she'd left for him, he sat down to fill his empty stomach.

END


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